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Not wanting to massage Brother in laws girlfriend
I am not one for turning down clients, but in this situation I am having a difficult time. My BIL said recently that he would like to purchase a massage for his girlfriend. Ordinarily this wouldn't be problem. This time I am conflicted. The problem is, I don't like her. She is difficult and incredible arrogant. I am having a terrible time trying to figure out how I should handle the situation. Advice appreciated!
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jimswife on
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Could you say something about not wanting to have a dual relationship with her?
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Permalink Reply by Barbara Helynn Heard on
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Aloha Mindy,
Thanks for asking this question in this group. It's common for massage therapists to occasionally prefer not to massage certain specific individuals. I expect lots of people will benefit from your question.
Consider the possibility "difficult and incredibly arrogant" does not define who GF is. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be "Mindy (and perhaps some other people) find GF to be difficult and incredibly arrogant. Please realize that it's ok that you have this reaction to her. I'm sure there are reasons for it. None the less, consider the possiblity that some other people might find GF to be confident, outgoing, scared, timid, fun, cute, helpful, lovable, sweet, easy going, etc, etc.
Here's one possible response you could give your BIL. "Thank you BIL for asking to purchase a gift certificate from me to give your GF. I wish I could whole heartedly say YES! to your request the way I'd like to. The truth is that I notice I feel triggered by your GF. It would be hard for me to give her a great massage. Can I recommend another massage therapist who might be a better fit for her?"
(of course.... use your own words.)
Here are some key points to notice in this response:
1) You initially put BIL at ease by thanking him and telling him you'd like to say yes. - this helps prevent him from feeling bad that he asked you.
2) You own your own response to GF. (I feel triggered by her, It would be hard for me to give her a great massage.) You avoid blaming or criticizing her which would probably be uncomfortable for both you and BIL. Simply stating that you feel triggered by her is both specific enough and vague enough to make your point without needing to go into details.
3) You offer an alternate solution to him by offering to recommend another therapist.
4) End result: Hopefully you feel good about yourself and maintain a positive relationship with BIL. Who knows, maybe someday you'll even come to like GF?!?!
Please tell me what you think, Mindy. Is this useful??
Aloha,
Barbara Helynn Heard
Mana Lomi practitioner in Seattle, WA
Mana Lomi teacher in the northeast and the northwest
PS: I love playing with communication challenges! I have written several pages on my website about my experiences with communication. I share there some of what has helped me personally. Here's one of the pages: http://www.lomilomi-massage.org/words-of-life-and-death-part-2.html. Please visit if your are interested.
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Permalink Reply by Gordon J. Wallis on
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Well, it would be pretty hard to give a good massage to someone you don't like or feel uncomfortable with..It definitely wouldn't be your best work. But then on the other hand..Maybe she will really love it, and somehow change her behavior a little? Well I doubt it...Uhm.. Can you give her to another therapist you work with, if you work with anybody?
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Permalink Reply by Daniel Cohen on
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Not easy but it could be a lesson needed by both of you. Your call, but for family I would do it. Once my hands start moving it all changes for me and I have a different view of the person.
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Nicely put Barbara.
If we work on a stranger, who is loathed by their family but we know nothing of it, it is much easier> No preconceptions exist to create a reaction. It is harder looking afresh at the person on the table when we hold our image of them. A challenge for the open heart.
Barbara Helynn Heard said:Aloha Mindy,
Thanks for asking this question in this group. It's common for massage therapists to occasionally prefer not to massage certain specific individuals. I expect lots of people will benefit from your question.
Consider the possibility "difficult and incredibly arrogant" does not define who GF is. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be "Mindy (and perhaps some other people) find GF to be difficult and incredibly arrogant. Please realize that it's ok that you have this reaction to her. I'm sure there are reasons for it. None the less, consider the possiblity that some other people might find GF to be confident, outgoing, scared, timid, fun, cute, helpful, lovable, sweet, easy going, etc, etc.
Here's one possible response you could give your BIL. "Thank you BIL for asking to purchase a gift certificate from me to give your GF. I wish I could whole heartedly say YES! to your request the way I'd like to. The truth is that I notice I feel triggered by your GF. It would be hard for me to give her a great massage. Can I recommend another massage therapist who might be a better fit for her?"
(of course.... use your own words.)
Here are some key points to notice in this response:
1) You initially put BIL at ease by thanking him and telling him you'd like to say yes. - this helps prevent him from feeling bad that he asked you.
2) You own your own response to GF. (I feel triggered by her, It would be hard for me to give her a great massage.) You avoid blaming or criticizing her which would probably be uncomfortable for both you and BIL. Simply stating that you feel triggered by her is both specific enough and vague enough to make your point without needing to go into details.
3) You offer an alternate solution to him by offering to recommend another therapist.
4) End result: Hopefully you feel good about yourself and maintain a positive relationship with BIL. Who knows, maybe someday you'll even come to like GF?!?!
Please tell me what you think, Mindy. Is this useful??
Aloha,
Barbara Helynn Heard
Mana Lomi practitioner in Seattle, WA
Mana Lomi teacher in the northeast and the northwest
PS: I love playing with communication challenges! I have written several pages on my website about my experiences with communication. I share there some of what has helped me personally. Here's one of the pages: http://www.lomilomi-massage.org/words-of-life-and-death-part-2.html. Please visit if your are interested.
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Yes Daniel, Well well put right back to you. I like your comment, "If we work on a stranger, who is loathed by their family but we know nothing of it, it is much easier> No preconceptions exist to create a reaction. It is harder looking afresh at the person on the table when we hold our image of them. A challenge for the open heart."
Thats true. And we're lucky to continue to meet new people who have fresh eyes for us too.
aloha,
Barbara Helynn
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I agree. You should do the massage as you would for any other client. Knowing more about her does not change her need for bodywork.
Would you start dropping clients if you ran into them on the street and heard them on the phone ranting at an employee or spanking their kid?
If we only let people we liked and respected into our spa it would be a quiet place, just as I would not have many businesses to patronize, in their eyes.
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Permalink Reply by Therese Schwartz on
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Daniel, I like your comments! Since I've become more experienced as a therapist I have found that, like you said, once my hands start moving I have a different view of the person (whomever they are).
Mindy, I agree with Daniel that it's your call. You have the right to protect yourself, and that includes not working on people that are problematic for you. Having said that, I would like to offer an experience I had with one of my clients (actually, she just left!). The first time she was here (one year ago) I was really put off by her - she was difficult, "short" and somewhat cranky. The next time she showed up, she danced into my house! It turns out that she was in so much pain from her sciatica that it was hard for her to function. She's a lot different now that she doesn't hurt so much, and has actually referred so many people to me that she's responsible for about 1/3 of my business! So you never know...you could change her life!
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I like what Daniel has said..Life has challenges. Some people on this planet are being shot at now.. You can handle it..
Daniel Cohen said:Nicely put Barbara.
If we work on a stranger, who is loathed by their family but we know nothing of it, it is much easier> No preconceptions exist to create a reaction. It is harder looking afresh at the person on the table when we hold our image of them. A challenge for the open heart.
Barbara Helynn Heard said:Aloha Mindy,
Thanks for asking this question in this group. It's common for massage therapists to occasionally prefer not to massage certain specific individuals. I expect lots of people will benefit from your question.
Consider the possibility "difficult and incredibly arrogant" does not define who GF is. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be "Mindy (and perhaps some other people) find GF to be difficult and incredibly arrogant. Please realize that it's ok that you have this reaction to her. I'm sure there are reasons for it. None the less, consider the possiblity that some other people might find GF to be confident, outgoing, scared, timid, fun, cute, helpful, lovable, sweet, easy going, etc, etc.
Here's one possible response you could give your BIL. "Thank you BIL for asking to purchase a gift certificate from me to give your GF. I wish I could whole heartedly say YES! to your request the way I'd like to. The truth is that I notice I feel triggered by your GF. It would be hard for me to give her a great massage. Can I recommend another massage therapist who might be a better fit for her?"
(of course.... use your own words.)
Here are some key points to notice in this response:
1) You initially put BIL at ease by thanking him and telling him you'd like to say yes. - this helps prevent him from feeling bad that he asked you.
2) You own your own response to GF. (I feel triggered by her, It would be hard for me to give her a great massage.) You avoid blaming or criticizing her which would probably be uncomfortable for both you and BIL. Simply stating that you feel triggered by her is both specific enough and vague enough to make your point without needing to go into details.
3) You offer an alternate solution to him by offering to recommend another therapist.
4) End result: Hopefully you feel good about yourself and maintain a positive relationship with BIL. Who knows, maybe someday you'll even come to like GF?!?!
Please tell me what you think, Mindy. Is this useful??
Aloha,
Barbara Helynn Heard
Mana Lomi practitioner in Seattle, WA
Mana Lomi teacher in the northeast and the northwest
PS: I love playing with communication challenges! I have written several pages on my website about my experiences with communication. I share there some of what has helped me personally. Here's one of the pages: http://www.lomilomi-massage.org/words-of-life-and-death-part-2.html. Please visit if your are interested.
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Aloha all,
I'm enjoying the conversation and different ideas shared. Good food for thought! Clearly there's more than one good way to proceed.
Here's another angle to consider: if you were GF, would you like to receive a massage from someone who feels about you the way Mindy describes herself healing?
Aloha,
Barbara Helynn
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Somehow I feel as if I need to defend myself. This question was meant to be presented as a way for me to help deal with a potential boundary issue that I have. I am a great therapist, and not by any means one who discriminates. That, I take offense to. My immediate family lives far away, so I value very deeply the relationship that I share with my partner's family. My BIL is special to me and yet I struggle on a personal level with his GF for reasons that hold truth for me. Family dynamic is unique, and I want to create a positive one for my family. I think it is within reason to weigh my options and not be viewed as a potential "less than" therapist.
I appreciate the advice received from many of you and thank you for the response. Ultimately I knew already what my choice/decision would be. I hold my ethical choices to a high standard, be it as a professional MT or as an individual. I have never let personal opinion dictate my treatment plan, nor will I start with BIL's GF.
Thanks!
Mindy
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Thanks Mindy for your reply.
I'm staring with great surprise at what I wrote last night. I had intended to complete my last sentence with the more emotionally neutral word "feeling", rather than "healing". So.... I meant to ask, "If you were GF, would you like to receive a massage from someone who feels about you the way Mindy describes herself feelling?"
Here's another insight that changed my life when someone else brought this to my attention. Mindy mentions she's "struggling" with GF for reasons that hold truth for her. I've been in that situation before. When I told my friend that I was struggling with my situation she asked, "Why are you struggling?" I replied, "Because this issue is important to me, and I'm feeling conflicted." she replied again, "Yes, but why are you "s t r u g g l i n g" with it? (emphasis on the word struggling).
Her question brought light to me. I can be "present" with an issue, "work" on an issue, "play" with an issue, "handle" an issue, "dance" with in issue, "deal" with an issue ect. Choosing a word other than "struggling" changed my attitude with my issue. Telling myself I was "working" with the issue or "playing" with the issue allowed me to relax and more choices seemed possible than when I was told myself I was "struggling". My issue resolved itself soon after I intentionally chose a new word to describe my relationship with it.
Since then, I've chosed words other than "struggle" to describe my relationship to issues I experience. It's makes life easier for me.
Aloha,
Barbara Helynn Heard
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