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Ethical Question...

I'm in the beginning few months of my massage practice and this morning I worked on an old acquaintance who found me on a recent LinkedIn update about my new work. He got 1.5H massage; great session. He, his wife and daughter and my family and I have had a friendly relationship -- however that turned for the worse a few years ago.

They moved out of country and he and I stayed in touch via email: some work, some catching up, a lot of stories shared and encouragement...etc. We asked about ea other's family and all was well! Our friendly relationship greatly upset his wife, however, who has a history of borderline personality disorder, good days/bad days, and more. Out of respect for her, but not because I felt we were breaching any boundaries or anything like that, we severed communication. I heard later that he and his wife were separated. I hadn't spoken to him in four years or so when two weeks ago he reached out with a hello and asked about my being able to help him w a rotator cuff injury...I accepted and we made the appt for this morning.

Before the session I learned that he and his wife are still together (on and off for years, apparently) which ordinarly woudn't matter at ALL btwn client and practitioner, but I got scared that his coming for massage with me would be kept secret from her (but it's his life, right?, and I don't know the details (and didn't ask!) about his marriage, etc.) and I want to avoid hurt feelings, etc. but then felt overly protective and like this force "had a hold on me" and got angry that she could control my life, decisions, etc. ALso, I have a great deal of respect for myself and her and them and kind of just want to avoid any potential upset or drama. There was no sneaky vibe or antyhign like this, just an honest declaration that they were off and on again and staying together for kid, etc. and we left it at that.

Selfishly, I would like to help him; I am growing my clientele and experience, and I want to trust that we're all adults and things will be OK here! I am in the process of writing him an email expressing my concerns and considering that the ethical thing to do may be to refer him to antoehr LMT. I then thought I'm making a bid deal about this and I shouldn't...so now I'm just kind of all over the place and felt the need to reach out and ask for support before I send ANYTHING so I'm clear, professional and solid in what I want to say, if anything, in this situation.

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Permalink Reply by Therese Schwartz on December 17, 2014 at 8:25pm

It's been a few days since you posted this - I hope I'm in time to at least help a little!

The best answer I can give you is: When in doubt, don't. Simple as that. TRUST YOUR INTUITION, which is sending alarm bells or you wouldn't have posted this!

You seem very decent and want to take care of people! Which is probably why you are a massage therapist... But this has all the makings of a bad soap opera, and I suggest not being involved as a professional.

Not everyone is an adult, even if they are old enough to be one.

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Permalink Reply by Gary W Addis, LMT on January 11, 2015 at 2:41pm

Mary, firstly, doctors et al don't normally discuss their cases except with other professionals. I have massaged my ex-wife: I kept the session purely professional. And afterward, I introduced her to my present wife; the two women had a nice, friendly discussion. This assuaged any jealously my wife might have been feeling-- but if I had chosen not to make the introduction, my wife would never have known. After all, when I massaged a famous, quite beautiful fashion model, I did not rush home and tell the wife, "Honey, she is so beautiful, she had such a firm butt and really hue nipples" or "Honey, this afternoon I worked on a guy who obviously is well-endowed, and he got an erection!"

I am a professional: What goes on in my treatment room remains in my treatment room. Besides, under the sheet, there is no beauty: it's all just skin-covered muscle that needs my expertise.

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Permalink Reply by Neal Lyons on February 1, 2015 at 12:17pm

I would second Gary's comment here. I encountered this when I was practicing massage. Clients come to professionals (lawyers, CPAs, doctors) expecting client privileges and confidentiality. That said, if the situation bothers you, simply do not get into it. You have the right to decline. When asked, simply explain why. Let them then make the call until you are comfortable and go from there.